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Do you know where you are going wrong? After a long day of indiscriminately shooting your Beretta 1301 in the desert, you’re home returning your InfoWars Ultimate Bone Broth Plus, when you find you’re out of SSI Sight- chambered cartridge laser sights. Rite. So you hop in your SUV and head to the nearest Dick’s Sporting Goods, right? Only in that SUV? Is it bulletproof? Does he shoot pepper spray at the mirrors? Does it even come with gas masks? No, I do not think so. That’s why you want to get a Rezvani’s Revengedesigned by video game vehicle artist, Milen Ivanov.
That Rezvani’s revenge is real, and not some upsetting wet dream Elon Musk had after watching Batman movies, is an accusation against all of humanity. This ridiculously silly vehicle, yours from $285,000, is made to order, and thanks to bizarre videos from TikTok influencers, a clearly existing creation.
Based on the Cadillac Escalade, your standard model comes with all the features you’d expect in your standard quarter-million-dollar car. Things like heated seats, digital OLED dashboard, digital rear-view mirror and augmented reality navigation. But it’s when you start tweaking that this commuter tank really starts to get special.
Design mine on the Rezvani website, I of course started by upgrading to a camo skin paint job for only $7,500 extra. Sure, you could buy an entire used car for the price of this paint job, but do you want to be easily spotted by enemies when driving through the woods? I then added some pretty obvious necessities like a 12,000 lb winch and a roof mounted LED light bar.
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On the interior I bumped it up from seven to eight seats for another $1,500, in case my whole book club needed a ride. Then, because I deserve a treat, I added in Executive Seating. This sees two of the seats become reclining executive seats, with massage, heat and ventilation, along with an interior bar, big-screen TV, Apple TV, some iPads, and a lovely starry night headliner, mine for $125,000 on top of the base price. That done, I of course had the headrests embroidered for $1,500.
I’m not an engine expert, but I figured the 810 HP Supercharged 6.2L V8 would be much better at showing those climate conspiracists a thing or two, rather than the 420 HP version it defaults to. I also worried that without the Cat-Back Performance Exhaust System and performance brakes, I’d look like a real sissy, so I stuck those on too. That bumped the price up a little, popping just over $135,000 onto the ticket.
Of course, the reason I was buying this car in the first place was the Military Package, so I wasn’t going to be leaving that off! For another $125,000, that put on the vital bulletproof glass and body armor, underside explosion protection, electrified door handles, strobe lights, pepper spray dispensers, thermal night vision system and, of course, the optional explosive device detection and smoke screen button. Oh, and the seven bulletproof vests and helmets that I’m pretty sure are standard in most cars these days.
I was surprised to learn I had to pay extra for a Rifle Compartment, but for $4,500 I wasn’t too annoyed, and naturally opted for the $1,000 steel safe built into the center console—somewhere to keep those dog-tags I bought off eBay and my signed Billy Ray Cyrus cassettes. A couple of rear seat entertainment systems for the kiddies might seem overkill with the executive seat package, but if you ain’t overkilling, you ain’t American in my book.
However, I took enormous offense at the suggestion of “off-grid” solar panels. Sure, Biden might be about to steal my gas oven and shut down my backyard coal power station, but I’ll be damned before I’m using any of that Liberal sun-power. $2,500 saved, thank you.
All told, that comes to just $699,750, which is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
Er, um, wow. It’s quite the thing to put yourself into the mindset of someone taking this embarrassing nonsense seriously. Clearly playing to the ever-growing market of paranoid Americans from preppers to QAnons, it seems the crossover with people able to spend over a quarter-million bucks on a car can’t possibly be enormous.
Rezvani Motors, if you are lucky enough not to know, is the brainchild of Ferris Rezvani, the son of an Iranian fighter pilot, who wanted “develop a thrill similar to piloting an F-4 fighter jet,” but, uh, on the ground. The company has been dealing with overly rich idiots since 2015, most notably with the since-discontinued Ferrari-like beast. (Even though it is restart this year.)
It’s unclear what Vengeance’s silly design has to do with video games, unless they’re aiming for a late ’80s look. Bulgarian concept artist Milen Ivanov has previously worked on mobile game Ace Runner and those of Netflix Fast and furious spy racers, but doesn’t have a huge pedigree in the industry. We reached out to him to ask about his involvement in the design of the Vengeance and his thoughts on the final military-grade product, and we’ll certainly update him if he gets back to us. (Although Vengeance has been out since last year, Ivanov hasn’t been excited enough to add it to his resume.)
Oh, and if the Vengeance doesn’t sound like a tough enough vehicle to get your kids to school, don’t forget you can always grab the Rezvani Reservoir.